Employees Gone Wild Read online

  And in This Corner Office . . .

  Two senior-level male employees were known to “butt heads” with each other frequently. Think of The Odd Couple: two more opposite sets of opinions—on every single thing—you’d be hard pressed to find. But unlike that odd couple, these two fellows did have a couple things in common: both had been athletes in school and both had very high opinions of themselves. Let the games begin!

  Nobody remembered after the fact what this particular disagreement had been about—especially because disagreeing was standard operating procedure for these two tough guys. At any rate, the argument followed them out of a meeting and into the hallway. Voices were raised so that no one could miss it—and it being the hallway, they were right in the way of anyone who needed to get anywhere. That guaranteed them an audience.

  One of the two men, a former star college football player whom we will call Larry, called the other a name. The other guy, Mikey, excelled in wrestling as a student. Mikey took exception to Larry’s remark, poking a finger in Larry’s chest. Larry answered with a shove. It didn’t take much after that for the argument to escalate into a full-fledged fight.

  And you can bet that before long, the entire office was assembled to watch.

  Mikey had Larry in a headlock at one point, but Larry bulldozed his way free. The fight spilled up and down the hall, bouncing off the walls, with startled coworkers dodging out of the way. Finally, Larry hauled off and slammed Mikey into—and right through—the drywall. That was enough to end the fight.

  No word on whether there was an office pool on the outcome.

  TIPS

  The First Rule of Office Fight Club

  Don’t start a fight in the office. That’s the first rule. That’s the only rule, really. But in case you need more . . .

  • An office fistfight might be entertaining, but assault is a crime. Keep your emotions in check and your hands to yourself. Act like an adult, even if you don’t feel like it.

  • It doesn’t matter who starts it; if you engage in a fight in the office, you’re probably both going to get fired. Hotheads represent a risk to the company. Remember when they told you in grade school that it didn’t matter who started it? That was a good lesson.

  • If a coworker does start a fight with you, walk away and alert management. The good thing about being in an office is that you probably have witnesses.

  • If you feel threatened by someone—someone who hasn’t gotten physical, but is aggressive enough that it might be a concern—bring the situation to the attention of HR. Unless you work for the WWF, they have a strong interest in keeping things from escalating.

  MEMO TO MANAGEMENT

  Aggressive, competitive employees can be a good thing—but not if unchecked emotions get out of hand. Keep an eye on episodes of verbal aggression so you can address the situation before it devolves into physical aggression. Broken walls and furniture are costly, and broken bones are a big liability risk.

  CASE FILE

  Booger Down

  We all have bad habits. Some habits are more annoying to coworkers than others. One employee, Karen, had a bad habit that, although it didn’t affect her work performance, definitely had an impact on her relationships with colleagues. When she was talking to others, apparently without being conscious of it, her hands made their way to her nose—and inside for a little prospecting. As you can imagine, colleagues often opted to communicate with her in email rather than witness another expedition into Snotland. But sometimes the nature of the job necessitated a face-to-face conversation. But nobody wanted to be the one to face her down over her bad habit.

  Finally, a coworker took it upon herself to type an anonymous message and leave it on Karen’s desk: “Karen, we all have our annoying little habits. Sometimes, we don’t know we have them unless others tell us. We want you to be aware that you have an unpleasant habit of constantly picking your nose.” You can only imagine how embarrassing it would be to receive a note like that. But it worked . . . for about four months. After that, habit won out, and Karen went right back to picking her nose.

  Ingrained habits are hard to break.

  CASE FILE

  Making a Stink

  Many companies have dress codes, but fewer have formal written policies on personal hygiene. Perhaps more of them should.

  Rodney must not have been paying attention when the rest of us learned as children about bathing, brushing our teeth, using deodorant, and so forth. Or maybe, to give him the benefit of the doubt, a colleague suggested he was showering before going to the gym and not after. Or perhaps this was his strategy to avoid having to share an office with anyone and assure his privacy at work. Whatever the case, it wasn’t Rodney’s reputation that preceded him; it was his aroma.

  If something like that happens once or twice, it’s natural to assume there are extenuating circumstances—the hot water wasn’t working at his place; he spent the night somewhere other than home; he’s having a particularly stressful day. But in Rodney’s case, the scent was part of the package. Nobody wanted to sit next to him in meetings. The elevator would come, the doors would open, and Rodney would be the only one on board as everyone else decided they had suddenly forgotten something and would catch the next one.

  Fortunately, Rodney wasn’t in a public-contact role. Bad enough that our employees had to smell his odor, but imagine the consequences to business if he had been stinking customers out of the place.

  Nevertheless, it was a problem. At first, a colleague with whom he was on friendly terms agreed on behalf of his peers to talk to Rodney.

  The next day, he showed up doused in drug-store cologne. It was a different aroma, but just as strong and just as unpleasant to work around. Rodney’s colleagues brought the matter to Human Resources. I drew the short straw and had to talk to Rodney about his personal hygiene.

  Rodney claimed he’d read an article somewhere that said showering daily wasn’t good for the skin. He remembered his grandfather talking about the “Sunday night bath” tradition of Grandpa’s youth on a farm. Rodney had decided that if bathing once a week had been good enough for Grandpa, it was good enough for him.

  I explained to Rodney that what might have made sense on a farm a few generations ago did not do for an office today. While I wasn’t going to insist that he shower every single day, I noted that if anyone else could tell he hadn’t showered, that was a sign that he was not showering frequently enough. We also discussed the value of such modern conveniences as underarm deodorant. I pointed out that it would not only be good for his career to bathe more frequently, but it might benefit his personal life as well.

  “No, my girlfriend is fine with me the way I am,” he told me.

  I guess he was dating a farmer.

  TIPS

  Scent Sense

  Rodney had a rationale behind his personal habits, but more than once I’ve had to speak with an employee about hygiene and learned that the employee was completely unaware of the issue and had never been taught what most of us consider customary cleanliness. Just in case you are one of those who missed out, here is what you need to know:

  • Bathe regularly. Most Americans shower daily, but if you don’t dig ditches for a living or do anything physically strenuous, you can probably skip a day here and there. To be clear: if anyone can see dirt on you or smell you, you are not bathing frequently enough.

  • Deodorant/antiperspirant products are valuable, especially for men. I know there has been some controversy about certain ingredients in these products, but there are natural brands on the market if you prefer to avoid certain chemicals.

  • Wash your hair regularly. Nothing says “ick” like greasy, stringy hair.

  • If you have dandruff, use a dandruff shampoo; there are different products on the market for different types of dandruff, and if those don’t work for you, your doctor can prescribe clinical-strength versions. No matter how clean you are, a snowfall on your shoulders looks unpleasant and puts people off.
r />   • Brush your teeth in the morning and evening. Use toothpaste. (Yes, I have had to tell someone that part.) For bonus points with your dentist and coworkers, brush after every meal. Some employees keep a travel-size toothbrush and toothpaste in a desk drawer in case they need to freshen up. Just don’t spit toothpaste all over the bathroom sink.

  • Mouthwash and mints are good to keep around for fending off coffee breath or if you’ve had a particularly fragrant lunch.

  • Clothes can smell, too. Make sure the clothes you wear to work are clean. If you’re a smoker or a pet owner, even freshly laundered items can pick up odors from your morning cigarette or playing with your big, wet dog. Fabric-freshening products such as Febreze are helpful in those cases. Those products also remove the stale smell from clothes that may have been in storage during the summer or winter months.

  • Be stingy with scented products. Heavy perfumes can be just as offensive to the nose as body odor or bad breath. Moreover, some people experience severe allergies to perfumes, either on their own or in hair and body products. Use scented products sparingly. Good scent or bad, no one should smell you coming.

  MEMO TO MANAGEMENT

  Nothing in my legal and professional training prepared me for these kinds of personal conversations with employees. When you are in the position to have one, it will be uncomfortable. Remember that the situation is even more uncomfortable for the person you’re having the conversation with.

  Keep things professional and fact-based. Keep names of employees who have complained out of it. This is a business issue: the employee is making others uncomfortable and not presenting himself or the company in a good light. Maintain a positive approach. You are having the conversation to help this person resolve the issue so it doesn’t get in the way of your company’s business or his or her career.

  If the employee is from another country, be sensitive to the fact that there may be cultural differences in play. Scented American shampoos are considered unpleasant in certain parts of the world. Foods that are common elsewhere may not be noticed on someone’s breath in that country, but may seem strong and offensive here. If culture is an issue, enlighten the employee to the customs in your region and in your industry.

  You may want to schedule a follow-up meeting with the employee to make sure all is going well on the personal hygiene front. That will keep both you and the employee from considering the matter concluded once the awkward talk is over and forgetting about it.

  If you treat this like any other professional development issue, both you and the employee will be at least a little less uncomfortable, and you are more likely to have a good result.

  CASE FILE

  Day Gone Up in Smoke

  Cigarette smoking is one of the hardest habits to break, as any smoker, present or former, will attest. Some companies may be reluctant to hire smokers, as they worry that they may take more sick time because of smoking-related illness, or more breaks to take a smoke, now that the days of smoking in the office are long gone.

  Joe was one of those. His job in customer service only permitted limited breaks, but he was always asking his co-workers to cover for him so he could sneak out for a smoke between scheduled breaks. These smoke breaks could get lengthy: in cold or wet weather, it meant getting into outerwear, then out of it when he returned, in addition to the smoking time; in any season, he might meet other smokers out on the sidewalk and extend his break to a second or third cigarette in order to finish a conversation.

  Joe’s nonsmoking colleagues liked the guy and didn’t want to rat him out, but they felt taken advantage of. Nobody wanted to be the one to say anything, so they took to hiding his cigarettes. Unfortunately, that backfired, as his breaks now included running down the block to buy a new pack of smokes, in addition to the smoking time.

  TIPS

  A Change of Habit

  How to get the message across to a coworker whose bad habits are affecting you:

  • Be direct. Hinting around is easily overlooked or ignored (out of embarrassment), and passive-aggressive games like hiding the cigarettes don’t solve the problem. Either determine to face up to the issue or learn to live with it.

  • There’s safety in numbers. If the bad habit or behavior is bothering you, it’s probably bothering others. If you stand together, it’s harder for the offender to believe that you’re just fussy or touchy, and it’s not really a problem for anyone else.

  • Be honest but kind. The note to Karen was a good example: the sender acknowledged that Karen might not even realize what she was doing, but was clear about the fact that it bothered others.

  • Make it about the issue, not the person. You’re not saying the offender is a bad person (maybe he or she is, but that’s a different problem); you’re saying that the habit or behavior is the problem. Focus on why it’s an issue for you: Karen’s nose-picking is unpleasant to watch; Joe’s smoke breaks are making you pull extra weight while he’s out, or putting you in an awkward position covering for him with the boss.

  • Remember, too, that you’re not telling others how to run their lives (much as you may want to); if Joe wants to smoke, that’s his business. Your business is whether his smoking affects you and your work.

  • Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you were the person who drums incessantly with a pen until the person at the next desk wants to leap over the cubicle wall and break the pen (or your hand), how would you want to receive the message that you’re driving people around you crazy?

  MEMO TO MANAGEMENT

  Managers are often in a better position to solve these kinds of bad-habit problems by simply instructing the employee that it’s not appropriate behavior. If, as a manager, you notice or are alerted to bad habits that bother others, a gentle but firm conversation can put the matter to rest.

  Minor annoyances may seem petty, but if they are genuinely disturbing a group of workers, they are likely to be affecting efficiency or productivity. It may seem like a small matter and a waste of your valuable time, but if it’s bothering a number of people, a quick conversation to solve it may be time well spent.

  CASE FILE

  Let Them Eat Cake

  Other people’s habits aren’t necessarily anyone’s business, especially if they don’t affect the work. But that doesn’t keep employees from anointing themselves the saviors of their coworkers.

  One department had a tradition of celebrating birthdays with cake in the office. Kathleen was new to the department and thought this was a delightful tradition. Imagine her surprise when, after the candles were blown out and a colleague was cutting and handing out slices of cake, she was passed over. “You don’t need any cake,” her colleague said, pointing to Kathleen’s girth. “I didn’t want you to be tempted.”

  TIPS

  None of Your Beeswax

  Kathleen’s colleague probably thought she was being helpful, assuming Kathleen was trying to lose weight. But unless a colleague specifically asks you for help with a personal issue or habit, you’re best off not assuming and not stepping in. Adults can make their own decisions about their behavior. Making decisions for them is intrusive and rude.

  CASE FILE

  U Can’t Touch These

  A female employee whom we’ll call Bobbie took vacation time for what she told close friends was a “silicon sabbatical,” returning to the office with noticeably enhanced breasts. Some of her male colleagues took notice, often in inappropriate ways, calling attention to and making jokes about her new attributes. She brought a complaint about their behavior to Human Resources.

  In the course of investigating, however, we learned that Bobbie had been messaging her female coworkers with complaints that the guys in the office weren’t hot enough. “We need to hire some male eye candy around here, instead of these losers,” she wrote.

  Bobbie’s bad behavior didn’t make the men’s remarks acceptable; nor did their bad behavior excuse Bobbie’s remarks. Pretty much everyone behaved badly in this situation,
and they all got to hear that message loud and clear from HR.

  CASE FILE

  Cleaning Up

  Clare hated her job. She became friendly with a co-worker and regularly messaged her friend about how much she thought her job sucked. That might seem familiar—we all commiserate with colleagues when we’re unhappy at work. Who better to understand your pain than someone who feels the same pain?

  But Clare was motivated and resourceful and applied those qualities to looking for a way out of the job, one where she could actually clean up, as it so happened.

  One day, she shared her master plan in a message to her friend: the two of them would quit their current jobs and start a house-cleaning service, specializing in cleaning rich people’s homes.

  Sounds like a good plan, right?

  Unfortunately, Clare’s detailed business plan included not just cleaning up, but cleaning out wealthy clients’ homes. She had a step-by-step blueprint for how they could steal from the rich—and keep for themselves. She was sure they wouldn’t get caught.

  Clare never got the chance to test her mettle as a cleaning lady/criminal mastermind. Remember what we said in Chapter 1 about in-office communication not being private? In this case, Clare’s friend helped the process, not by ratting her out to the bosses but by telling other colleagues about Clare’s crazy plan. It wasn’t long before Clare’s dirty little secret made its way to management, who let her know exactly what they had learned. She was let go; we knew the authorities wouldn’t prosecute her because she hadn’t acted on her plans, but she didn’t need to know that. Her future as a criminal mastermind was halted before it even got started.